


From the Ashes

by WillowDeville



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-03-05 08:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13384086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowDeville/pseuds/WillowDeville
Summary: He's almost there. Two years of surgeries and endless hours of grueling physical therapy, two years of ruthless determination, and Shepard is ready to go back. Back to active duty, back to the missions, back to leading his men. Back to normal. Little does he know what has swept into town when he sees the dark-haired man and his dog on the beach one cloudy afternoon....





	1. Lone Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> I hesitated for a long time before I decided to actually give this story a go because I felt rather out of my depth with the setting and the environment this takes place in. I'm lucky enough to have never experienced anything remotely related to war, or combat PTSD, so most of the stuff I know (which still isn't much) comes from the research for this fic, and it still might not all be accurate. I'll try to add tags as I go along, but if you spot anything you think I have missed, please let me know so I can change it. 
> 
> Some of the places in the story are made up but might be vaguely based on real places, others do exist. The beautiful freedom of writing fiction. :)
> 
> This is unbeta'd, so any mistakes are my own.

He first noticed the dog.

The radio cut off when Shepard pulled the key from the ignition. Leaning over the passenger seat to grab the envelope Conrad Verner had given him earlier, he caught sight of the dog through the window, a Doberman, with tan legs and muzzle, like the ones the car dealer on the road towards the Base used to guard their premises at night. Only this one didn’t have its ears cropped.

It was the man the dog was with, though, who made Shepard take another look as soon as he had climbed out of his truck.

The Citadel waterfront was quiet for a Friday afternoon, a forecasted storm already casting dark clouds across the sky and keeping most of the early spring tourists away from the small town on the western shore of Vancouver Island. There were hardly more than half a dozen cars in the carpark, Garrus’ red coast guard truck being one of them, the few people milling around on the promenade and the beach below a far cry from the buzzling crowds that invaded this place during the summer.

The dog’s owner sat on one of the benches along the edge of the beach, staring out across the water, seemingly oblivious to what was going on around him. He wasn’t wearing a coat, merely a hoodie, the sight alone making Shepard turn up the collar of his jacket and shiver. The dog looked oddly familiar, and he had a feeling he had seen the man before, too, but something about the two of them together seemed out of place. Like two pieces from different puzzles that shouldn’t go together.

Or maybe it was just Shepard’s weariness playing tricks on him. He could feel the dull ache in his lower back that usually meant he would have to lie down on his couch and put up his feet sooner than he had hoped for. He shook his head and made his way towards the diner. It had been a long morning, and at least sitting down for a bite to eat would take the pressure off his worn-out muscles for a while. He was sure he would remember eventually how he knew the guy.

When the letter from the medical board had arrived a few months earlier, with a time and date for his fitness test, Kahlee had quite bluntly reminded him that there was still a chance that they might not let him return to active duty. The suggestion had made him furious, even though he knew she was right. Determined to prove her wrong, he had quickly replied to the board and doubled up on his training regime. Others had done it before him, so why shouldn’t he?

But then Anderson had taken him aside one day and pushed a brochure for the new housing development at Charon Bay under his nose. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you might not get what you want, son. And it might be the right time to put those savings to good use. We certainly would love for you to stick around.”

And that was how he had ended up spending the morning at Charon Bay, regretting ever having listened to Kahlee and Anderson’s propaganda as soon as he had driven through the stylish red-brick archway and onto the estate. A sea of colorful ‘for sale’ signs accompanied him, pristine-looking family homes and picket fences lining the newly paved roads that didn’t have a single bump in them. When the fresh-faced and overly excited estate agent told him that a lot of the new residents were “ex-servicemen, like yourself”, Shepard almost turned around without even setting foot inside the small townhouse he had come to see.

He bit his tongue and stayed, trying hard to hide his growing discomfort as they toured the house. He had never owned anything this new, let alone spent that amount of money. Since he had enlisted at seventeen, he had never needed more than two footlockers to accommodate his possessions. Home was wherever his job took him; from the barracks in Jacksonville to the dorms at military college to the tents under the searing sun of Kandahar. Hell, not even the truck he was currently driving was his own, loaned to him by Kahlee while she was back on duty in the States. He knew Anderson only had his best interest at heart, but Shepard wasn’t ready yet. He was still a marine.

And he certainly wasn’t ready to be woken up by the neighbor’s kids in the morning. He had felt sorry for the agent when they had got to the end, making empty promises to call the agency after the weekend. The kid may have been young, but he hadn’t been stupid. They had both known Shepard didn’t belong there, maybe he never would.

Shepard jogged up the stairs to the diner, barely avoiding colliding with an elderly couple on their way out when he pulled open the door a little too forcefully. He quickly stepped aside to let them pass.

“… we should come back here for the launch, darling,” he caught the woman say as she reached for her partner’s arm to be helped over the threshold and down the stairs. “We could watch it from the deck, just like old times. And we never watched a submarine being…”

Her voice was cut off when Shepard stepped inside, the door falling shut behind him. He was glad to be out of the breeze, the instant warmth a welcome remedy for his aching muscles. The diner was busier than the carpark had made him let to believe, low chatter and the smell of food filling the air around him. He spotted Garrus in one of the booths near the window, his back towards door, the _Citadel Gazette_ spread out on the table in front of him.

“Delivery.” Shepard tossed Verner’s envelope on top of the newspaper, smirking when Garrus jumped at the sudden disturbance, and scooted onto the seat opposite.

“What’s this?” Garrus eyed the envelope suspiciously, before reaching for it and running his finger underneath the lid to rip it open and pull out a document. The crowned emblem of the Canadian Coast Guard was about the only thing Shepard could decipher, but when Garrus scanned over the pages, the frown on his face soon turned into a wide grin. “Oh, you beauty!”

“Must be important, you look like a kid in a candy shop,” Shepard teased.

“I do not,” Garrus grunted. His newspaper was long forgotten as he leafed through the document.

“You gonna tell me what these are, or do I have to kick your shin?”

“Release papers,” Garrus said, shifting his legs underneath the table, clearly not trusting Shepard not to kick him anyway. “For the new lifeboat.”

Shepard glanced through the window on the other side of the building. The diner sat right in the middle of the waterfront, separating the beach on one side from the harbor on the other. From his viewpoint, he could see the bobbing masts of the boats in the marina and the coast guard station beyond, the red and white hull of the lifeboat a bright blob of color against an otherwise murky coastline.

“What’s wrong with the old one?”

“She’s twenty years old, that’s what’s wrong with her. Adams will be pleased to see the back of those old engines. And the new lady is a lot bigger and faster. Longer range, too.”

“Does she stand up straight if you flip her over, too?” Shepard chuckled.

“Yup. Not that I’m particularly keen on testing that, though.”

“Sounds like she’s almost worth having my ears chewed off by Conrad Verner for half an hour,” Shepard said, reaching for one of the elevation drawings Garrus had laid out on the table.

Garrus finally raised his head to look at him. “He tried to recruit you again?”

“Yeah.” Shepard pushed the drawing back across the table, unwilling to meet Garrus’ eye. He had no desire to go through another one of those conversations, especially not after the morning he had had. Listening to Verner trying to get him to join the coast guard for any amount of time was draining enough.

His eyes landed on the beach again, where the man still sat with his dog. It didn’t seem as if either of them had moved.

“He’s got a point,” Garrus said.

Shepard groaned. “Don’t you start on me as well.”

He was saved by the waitress. Poised to write down their orders, she waited patiently for Shepard to read through the menu while Garrus finally folded up his newspaper. Once Shepard had decided, Garrus ordering “the usual”, she promised to have their drinks ready shortly and turned to leave again, only to bump head on into Jack.

“Hold on!” Jack sneered at the girl, taking the pen and pad from her hands before she even realized what was happening. She could only watch as Jack scribbled something onto the pad before handing it back to her, the pen somehow ending up clipped behind Jack’s ear. “Put it on Shepard’s tab.”

“You can make that deal with Shepard yourself,” the girl replied curtly. She obviously knew Jack. Pocketing her pad, she snatched her pen from behind Jack’s ear and turned on her heels, looking rather unimpressed as she made her way back towards the kitchen.

Jack let out a snort. She slumped onto the seat next to Shepard, shooting daggers at a family a few tables along who had been watching the whole scene and were now openly staring at the flourish of tattoos curling over nearly every inch of Jack’s skin that wasn’t covered by her clothes. Shepard almost laughed at the flustered expressions on their faces when they realized Jack was staring back at them.

“You’re scaring the customers.”

“Hello to you too, jackass,” Jack growled. “What are you doing here, anyway? Haven’t had enough of me?”

“Maybe you haven’t tortured him enough,” Garrus said. He was keeping a straight face, but Shepard could tell by the way the corner of his mouth kept twitching that he was enjoying the show.

“More torture will cost you.” Jack bumped her shoulder against Shepard’s. “You can pay me in burgers, though.”

“You’re forgetting that your torture is paid for by my insurance,” Shepard said, but Jack was already distracted by the next thing, reaching for the lifeboat drawing Shepard had looked at earlier.

Garrus quickly planted a firm hand on top of the document. “Ever heard of asking first? This could be confidential,” he scoffed at her. “I thought you worked for the military, don’t they teach you any manners?”

“I work with them, not for them,” Jack snapped back at him. “And I only fix the broken ones, don’t need manners when some jerk curses his heart out at you because his right foot doesn’t want to work with his left foot anymore.”

Shepard smiled at their antics. He had been one of the jerks to rain verbal fury onto Jack when she had made him move arms and legs that were still too sore to function. The first time she had walked into his hospital room, he had genuinely thought she had been lost, only for her to wave a medical sheet at him and point to where it had said ‘Jacqueline Nought’ under the section for his assigned physio therapist.

“That’s me, fuck-head. And it’s _Jack_ for you, and don’t you ever dare calling me anything else,” she had hissed at him. Back then he had barely been able to lift his head off the pillow, never mind moving any of his limbs. Just over a year later, she had made him run the five miles from the Base to Citadel for the first time, and he hadn’t died.

“Fucking crackers?” was what she was saying now, scrambling out of the booth, her boots noisily hitting the floor as she stormed towards the door, her eyes fixed on something she must have spotted through the window.

Shepard shared a brief glance with Garrus, who seemed as puzzled as he was, before they both turned towards the window and watched as Jack made her way along the pier and down the stairs to the beach. She was heading towards the man and his dog. The guy turned his head to looked at her just as the dog got to its feet.

It was impossible to make out the man’s expression, but when Jack came to a stop in front of him, crouching down to fuss over the dog, he drew himself up as if he knew he wasn’t going to get the same treatment as his four-legged companion. Maybe he was one of her patients. He didn’t seem to have anything visibly wrong with him, but then again, he hadn’t gotten up from his seat either to greet Jack.

“Huh,” Garrus huffed. “Didn’t know _he_ was back in town.”

Their waitress chose that moment to return with their drinks, probably taking her chance of delivering them without having to endure another argument with Jack. Shepard muttered his thanks before quickly returning his focus to the scene on the beach.

“Who is he?” he asked once the waitress had left them again. When Jack eventually finished patting the dog and straightened up, he could feel himself growing tense on the other guy’s behalf. However, instead of having a go at the man, Jack simply stepped forward and flung her arms around him.

“That’s Kaidan Alenko,” Garrus said.

Shepard sat up as two things became clear to him almost at once. Firstly, the man had looked familiar because for nearly two years of his life, Shepard had walked past a picture of Kaidan every single day. He had looked much younger then, a happy memory of Ashley’s graduation ceremony, captured and framed, and perched on top of the makeshift shelving unit beside her bed, surrounded by a whole bunch of other photographs of her parents, her sisters, and her pet guinea pig Harper. Her little corner of home in a place where fifty square feet in a tent shared with two or three others was all one ever got to call their own.

The dog Shepard had seen more recently. He couldn’t remember what Jack had called the old lady it belonged to, but he guessed she was a relation of some sort to Kaidan. Jack and Shepard had met her outside the hair dressers just as she was doing up her coat after having had her hair done, the big dog looking comically oversized beside her small frame. At the time, Shepard had been surprised how easily she had struck up a conversation with Jack, but couldn’t recall what they had talked about, nor if she had mentioned Kaidan at all.

“He must be back with his grandmother, that’s her dog,” Garrus said as if he had read Shepard’s thoughts. He looked like he wanted to say more, but was interrupted when the waitress reappeared once more to serve their food. He waited until she left again before he continued. “Rumor has it he’s being court-martialed.”

Shepard swallowed, something about Garrus’ words filling him with dread. “What for?”

It had only been a few months since he had last talked to Ashley when she had called him just after Christmas. She had just arrived in Iraq again for another deployment, only to find Kaidan was part of the small combat hospital at her base. She hadn’t shut up about him, too excited about finally being able to spend some time with her best friend. Shepard had only felt a little jealousy.

Garrus shrugged and threw another glance over his shoulder to where Jack was now sitting next to Kaidan, deep in conversation. Then he turned back towards Shepard and nodded at the burger in front of Jack’s empty seat. “That woman’s going to waste a perfectly good burger if she doesn’t get a move on soon.”

“Anybody heard from Ashley recently?” Shepard ignored his own burger, suddenly not so sure if he was all that hungry anymore.

Garrus raised an eyebrow at him. “Williams? Not me, but I don’t know her all that well. Why?”

“Kaidan was deployed with her. Same place, same—”

A loud crash cut the words from his tongue. There was a flash of light, blinding like the desert sun as something heavy hit his chest, weighing him down, his heart punching against his ribcage, his lungs screaming for air—

“Sorry,” a high-pitched voice floated across the room.

As fast as the sensation had hit Shepard, it had passed, the dull pain where he was clenching his jaw the only evidence that it had ever happened. He hadn’t flinched, not once, his hand steady, if not a little tight, around his drink. He quickly let go of it and reached for his burger, banishing his scrambled thoughts in favor of concentrating on his breathing. He felt hot under his skin, and he could feel Garrus’ eyes on him but didn’t look up to meet them. They sat in silence, listening to the waitress’ apologetic chatter as she cleaned up the plates she had dropped, and Shepard couldn’t quite remember what they had just talked about.

And Garrus knew. Shepard hadn’t known the other man for very long, but since the day they had first met, when Jack had dragged Shepard down to the pier, kicking his very manly rollator every time he as much as limped a step too slow for her liking, Garrus had always had had that ability to see right through him. Back then he had told Jack to ‘go easy on the guy’ and then asked Shepard if a beer would help. They had met a lot more since then, and Shepard was glad he had found someone to confide in, who wasn’t his doctor, or his physio, or Anderson. Someone who didn’t quiz him when these things happened, didn’t try to get him to talk to a shrink.

Still, Garrus knew.

“You free this afternoon?” Garrus asked. “Annual inspection of the station on Monday, I could use an extra pair of hands to clean up. Especially if that new boat is coming next week as well.”

The question was like the quick release on a cargo strap, and Shepard felt his body relax again as he sank against the back of his seat. This was what Garrus did instead. He lured him out of his head, gave him jobs to do. His body wouldn’t be too pleased about the additional workout, but hey, as if that hadn’t ever happened before. He was still a marine, after all.

And so was Ashley.

Shepard looked back towards the beach where Jack seemed to be saying her goodbye to Kaidan. He would know soon enough what all those rumors were about. And he would make sure to send an e-mail to Ashley as soon as he got home. Just to make sure she was all right.


	2. Coming Home

“Are you all right, darling?”

Kaidan winced as he hit his head on the half-built table he was crouching under, scowling at the shadow his grandmother’s figure was casting across the floor.

How on earth did she always manage to sneak up on him? And how long had she been standing there?

He threw an accusing glance at Cole, but the dog hadn’t even bothered to lift his head. Curled up on one of the dust sheets in the corner, he blinked sleepily at Kaidan’s grandmother in the doorway.

“Sorry, love, I didn’t mean to startle you,” his grandmother said. She stepped into the summerhouse, running an appraising hand over the new doorframe and poking a probing finger at the fresh cladding on the wall. “You think you’ll get the benches back up before the end of the day?”

Kaidan heaved himself up from where he had been kneeling on the floor, holding back a curse when one of his knees popped, his thighs burning from being stuck in the same awkward position for too long. “Maybe,” he said, rubbing his arms, his voice rough from lack of use.

He knew she was worried, making the short trip from the house to the little cabin at the end of the garden to check up on him. She did it four, five times a day, usually under the disguise of bringing him fresh coffee, something to eat, or even a beer, depending on the time of day. This visit was no different, as she reached into the pocket of her cardigan and pulled out one of the cereal bars she usually kept in the cupboard above the freezer, and a small envelope. “This came for you earlier.”

Kaidan wiped his hands on his jeans before he took both items from her. He dropped the energy bar onto the windowsill, where it joined an empty mug and the untouched assortment of snacks from her previous deliveries. He tore the envelope open, ignoring the disapproving click of his grandmother’s tongue as she lifted the mug and wiped at the dried-up coffee ring underneath.

Canada’s Coat of Arms on the corner of the envelope was telling enough, but Kaidan was surprised how little he felt as he read over the letter from the court-martial administrator. As if those charges brought up against him weren’t his own, as if the start date for his trial was just another day in the calendar. Anderson had told him this would be coming, had asked him to contact him as soon as it arrived so they could start preparing his defense, and yet, Kaidan couldn’t find it in himself to care.

In the corner, Cole finally decided to sit up and acknowledge his grandmother’s presence, nudging her hand with his head, his short tail thumping against the floorboards.

“Are you watching over him, my dear?” she said affectionately, scratching that favorite spot behind his ear. She looked back at Kaidan. “You’ve been out here for five days now. Are you sure you’re not making this a bigger job than it is?”

“Yeah, well…” He folded up the letter and crammed it back into the envelope. “I’m a surgeon, not a carpenter. Or I _was_.”

“Don’t sound so happy about it,” his grandmother chided. She straightened up and pointed at the address printed on the envelope. “And if my eyes are not betraying me in my old age, you’re still employed. Don’t throw in the towel before you even get into the ring.”

Kaidan stared at the envelope. It was still addressed to _Lieutenant K. Alenko_ , but Kaidan knew he had forfeited the right to call himself an officer three weeks ago, when he had messed up so royally. As much as his grandmother wanted him to fight, there was no chance in hell the Navy would let him stay. Three of the charges alone were severe enough to send him to prison if the trial panel didn’t take pity on him, and he knew of others who had been dismissed from the forces for far less serious offenses.

“Kaidan.”

When he looked back at his grandmother, a sympathetic smile played on her lips. She reached up and cupped his face with her hand, her fingers cold against his cheek. “You’ll be fine.”

He wasn’t sure he would be.

“You’ll be fine,” she said once more. She took the envelope from him and gave Cole another pat on the head. “I’ll leave you in peace. I’m sure Cole can look after you for a little while longer. Dinner’s at seven, don’t be late.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Kaidan replied. He swallowed when he realized what he had said, waiting for the usual ‘stop that, I’m not your boss’, but his grandmother only chuckled quietly and stepped out of the summerhouse and into the misty afternoon outside. And just like that, he was alone again.

There were pieces he remembered. A trapped child and a crying mother, Jacob warning him that it might be a trap. An explosion. Only Kaidan wasn’t sure if he actually remembered those things or if they were merely an accumulation of images his messed-up mind had come up with, fed by what Chakwas had told him, by what he had read in the report. None of it had felt real, not within the vast emptiness that had followed, the plain, white void that had engulfed his memories like fog and clung to his bones like wet clothes, heavy and grievous, pulling him under.

He had known of this numbness, seen it before, in the young guys that had made it out of the trauma units in Khost and Bagram. The empty look on their faces, the indifference in their voices as they systematically answered his questions with “Yes, sir” and “No, sir”, even when strapped to a hospital bed with shrapnel in their stomachs and holes in their limbs. The lack of reaction when they were told that the friend they had gone on patrol with earlier that day was no longer with them. He had felt for them, for the horror they had seen and the losses they had carried away. Sometimes he had almost been relieved when they had told him that they couldn’t remember what had happened.

In his case, it didn’t really matter whether he remembered or not. Someone had made a whole list for him, with matching eyewitness accounts to go with it. There even was a tape, his fury captured for the history books by the trauma room’s security camera. They hadn’t shown it to him, and he hadn’t asked; some things _were_ better off forgotten.

He had woken up in a detention cell, with a stinking headache and a guard outside the door. Since they hadn’t been able to arrest him officially while he was out cold, that thankless task was left to Chakwas, who was there when the sedation finally wore off. Tending to his bruised ribs and knuckles, she had read him his rights and informed him, in the kindest way possible, that he had given Jacob a broken nose and the technician a black eye. As if ignoring his superiors’ orders and destroying medical equipment hadn’t been enough.

She had also been the one to call Anderson.

Next to Kaidan, Cole grunted as he flopped down on top of the sheets again. The dog hadn’t left his side since he had stepped through the front door a week ago, leaving him feeling slightly guilty for taking his grandmother’s companion away from her for so many hours of the day. Not that she was complaining, rather the opposite; she seemed quite contented with the extra hour in bed she managed to squeeze in while Kaidan took Cole for his walks in the mornings.

Kaidan had never thought himself a dog person, even though there had always been at least one in the house while he had been growing up. Cole was different from all the others, though. He was stoic and calm, and about five times the size of the last one, a yappy little thing that bit your ankles and had enough attitude to rival Jack. He followed Kaidan around almost everywhere, intelligent eyes tracking him as if he wanted to make sure Kaidan didn’t just up and leave again, only settling down once Kaidan had done the same. As if he could sense that Kaidan needed somebody with him, even if all he wanted right now was to be left alone.

Kaidan grabbed the hammer from where he had dropped it earlier, eyeing the still unfinished bench in front of him. He had ripped out the old ones, chopping them into pieces small enough to go into his grandmother’s wood burner. He had saved the piece where Jack, Ashley and he had burned their initials into the wood, the scorched letters still as crooked and black as they had been twenty years ago. Between the three of them, they had smoked through two packets of menthols, and Kaidan had never been so ill in his life, puking his guts out for days after. He had also been grounded for a month, much to Ashley’s amusement, who had somehow gotten away with an almost laughable punishment of no TV for a week.

The keepsake of that day now lay on top of his toolbox, weighed down by a box of screws. Kaidan hardly noticed it anymore, his mind focusing back on the task at hand as soon as he drove the first nail into the wood. There was an odd comfort in it, in that zone his mind went into whenever there was a job to do, even if it was only to fix up his grandmother’s old summerhouse. It helped to hold on to the illusion that he still had a purpose, at least for a little while longer. His trial would put an end to that soon enough anyway.

He must have lost track of the time, as when his grandmother called for him from the house, it had gone dark outside. He quickly tidied up the tools before switching off the lights and locking up behind him. He headed back across the lawn while Cole took the longer route through the bushes at the edge of the garden.

“Don’t let her catch you,” Kaidan mumbled under his breath. As much as his grandmother loved her dog, she didn’t take too kindly to finding his business in her flowerbeds.

As soon as Kaidan stepped back into the house, he was hit with the rich smell of his grandmother’s cooking. He could hear the low murmur of a conversation coming from the kitchen, muffled by the radio playing in the background. He sat down on the small stool next to the door to take off his boots but quickly got up once more when Cole thumped his head against the screen door, wanting to be let in.

“Ah, good, you’re back,” his grandmother said as she emerged from the kitchen, smiling brightly when Cole bounced towards her like an overexcited child. “There’s someone here to see you.”

Behind her, someone stepped out of the kitchen, and Kaidan froze when he recognized Ashley’s sister Sarah.

Sarah stopped next to his grandmother and raised her hand in a cautious wave. “Hey Kaidan. It’s good to see you.”

He couldn’t move. Sarah looked so much like Ashley; the same dark hair, the same brown eyes…

_‘…what were you thinking, Kaidan? You know you were in no state to operate on her…’_

Sarah took a step towards him. “You look—”

Kaidan cut her off with a snort, his heart pounding in his chest. He knew what he looked like, he didn’t need her to remind him. He did that himself every time he caught his reflection in the bathroom mirror, the dark circles under his eyes difficult to miss. He hadn’t shaved in days, his skin too irritated and raw to even try.

“What are you doing here?” he hissed, reaching for the collar of his hoodie, the air suddenly too hot, making it hard to breathe. What started off as a faint ringing in his ears quickly rose to a deafening roar, swallowing any reply Sarah might have had, black spots invading his vision. Around him, the world exploded, turning everything into dust, dust everywhere, in his eyes, his throat, his lunges. He couldn’t breathe. Someone called his name, a faraway whisper lost amongst the noise. He was drowning, but the air was all yellow and hot, and why was he so thirsty?

Something cold pressed against his arm.

“Kaidan.”

Suddenly Ashley was there, staring at him, her eyes pale and wide. Dead. Then Jacob, silent but screaming, reaching for him, pulling him away…

“Kaidan, try to breathe… yes, in the kitchen under the sink… Kaidan, calm down, it’s just us…”

The dust settled, and the voices became clearer as cold hands touched his face. He tried to get up, even though he had no idea when he had fallen, but couldn’t find any ground under his feet, shoving blindly at whatever was holding him down.

“It’s okay, Kaidan, it’s just me.” His grandmother caught his hands, tightening her grip when he tried to pull away. “Try to breathe, love.”

He gasped for air, his shirt damp with sweat, clinging to his back. He was sitting on the floor next to the stool, his grandmother kneeling in front of him. The cold sensation against his arm returned, and when he looked down, Cole was nudging him with his nose before resting his head on his thigh, his big brown eyes full of concern.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.” Sarah appeared behind his grandmother, holding out a wet towel she must have grabbed from the kitchen. “Ashley came home last night. I mean, not ‘home’ home, but she was transferred to Huerta Memorial, and they’re hopeful she can be moved out of the ICU tomorrow. I just wanted to let him know, I thought he could visit her some time. She’d want to see him.”

His grandmother took the towel from her and gently placed it against Kaidan’s forehead, the cool fabric a much needed relief for his burning skin, his thoughts still too feral to make sense of Sarah’s rambling. He closed his eyes, willing his heartbeat and his breathing to slow down, reaching for Cole in an attempt to steady his shaking hands.

“What happened out there?” Sarah’s voice was merely a whisper, but Kaidan still heard her.

“I don’t know,” his grandmother said. “He says he can’t remember, or only certain pieces. He hardly speaks at all, to be honest.”

He wanted her to stop talking, wanted to tell her that he was lucid enough to understand everything she was saying, but when he opened his mouth, he found his voice had no intention to cooperate.

“He hasn’t even told his parents,” his grandmother continued. “I think his father might know, but he won’t tell us without Kaidan’s permission, and the Navy has classified all the reports until the trial.”

“I can hear you, you know,” Kaidan finally managed to rasp. His throat felt like sandpaper.

“You gave us quite a fright,” his grandmother said with a sad smile, ignoring his remark. She dabbed the towel against his forehead once more, before running it over his temple. “Come on, let’s get you off the floor, dinner’s about ready. Some food will do you good.”

“I need some air,” Kaidan ground out and swatted her hands away. He struggled to his feet, using the wall to steady himself. Cole stood up with him, wagging his tail expectantly, while Sarah helped his grandmother back on her feet.

Kaidan couldn’t look at either of them. He didn’t want their pity, didn’t want them to see his guilt. Sarah should never have come here, nor should she be asking him to see Ashley. He quickly pushed past them towards the front of the house, grabbing his coat and Cole’s leash before stepping out onto the front porch, the dog following him closely.

“But I’ve just set the table…” he heard his grandmother call, but the door had already fallen shut behind him.

The cool air welcomed him into the night, the gentle breeze soothing his racing heart and overheated body. He set off down the hill, from one streetlight to the next, his eyes fixed on the sidewalk in front of him, Cole trotting along beside him, and Kaidan found himself looping his fingers through Cole’s collar just to feel the dog’s warm coat brush against them. As unnecessary as it was to keep hold of Cole, it still was enough to ground Kaidan, to give him the courage to look up and nod politely at whomever passed them on the sidewalk, to mumble a quiet greeting if the face happened to be a familiar one.

Slowly the chaos in his head receded, the terror of the panic attack turning into a mixture of guilt and worry. He was sure the images he had seen were snippets from his memory, finally coming back to haunt him, a cruel reminder of the damage he had caused, to Jacob, to the woman and her child. To Ashley. Ashley, whose life had almost been cut short because Kaidan had been too damn stubborn to listen.

He only noticed how cold it was when he reached the promenade, the cold wind sweeping in from the bay sharp and biting. The waterfront was busier than the day before, the car park full up to its last space, a few people queuing outside the diner for a table, their hands in their pockets and their shoulders hunched.

Kaidan slowed when he recognized Joker amongst the group, leaning casually on his crutches while talking to a woman with a straight bob haircut and a rather strange pair of glasses. Jack had mentioned that Joker had met someone, and part of Kaidan was dying to catch up with his friend, dying to be introduced to the person who was willing to put up with Joker’s confidence and bluntness. But introductions were a two-sided affair, and Kaidan wasn’t ready yet to tell anybody who he was and how much was wrong with him.

It had taken Jack one look to figure out he wasn’t in a good place, and she had discreetly skipped asking him how he was or why he was back earlier than expected. Instead she had plunged right into the town’s gossip, talking about Joker’s new girlfriend, about the two teenagers who had broken into Mordin’s shop to plunder the liqueur shelf only to be found passed out on the shop floor by Mordin himself the next morning. About the beef she was having with her current housemate. She was good like that, figuring out what people needed, what Kaidan needed.

And so was his grandmother, and Kaidan felt a pang of shame, imagining her putting his dinner back into the oven to keep it warm for when he eventually decided to come home again. She would do so without question, never even giving one thought to how rude he had been to her. She would apologize to Sarah, though, for his behavior, only to defend him again the next second. She shouldn’t have to, she deserved better than that.

He threw one last glance at the diner, where Joker and his company were just disappearing through the front doors. “Come on,” he said, lightly tugging at Cole’s collar. “Let’s go home.”


	3. Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard visits Ashley.

It was just his luck. The whole morning the sun had successfully held off the heavy clouds threatening to take the upper hand, only for the heavens to open just as Shepard stepped out of his humble abode in the outpatient wing to make his way over to the main building of Huerta Memorial Hospital. His jacket pulled over his head, he ran through the downpour, but by the time he pushed through the doors into the lobby, the fronts of his jeans were soaked, the fabric damp and itchy against his skin.

He carefully shook out his jacket, only too aware of the dark patches forming on the fancy doormat under his feet, when someone called his name.

“Hey John.” Sarah was walking towards him, an umbrella in one hand, a small duffle bag in the other. She looked weary, dark shadows lining her eyes, her hair tied up in a messy bun at the back of her head.

“Hey, thanks for calling,” he said, giving her a one-armed hug before quickly pulling away again and wiping drops of water off her shoulder. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry. It’s going to get me in a minute anyway,” she said. “I’m so glad you came.”

“How is she?” Shepard asked.

“She’s alive. We still don’t really know what happened. They don’t tell you much, did you know that?”

Shepard let out a dry laugh. The US Military wasn’t the most sharing organization when it came to what happened to their wounded or fallen, providing only as much information as was absolutely necessary, or as much as they deemed bearable, to family or fellow military personnel.

“They said she was caught in an ambush,” Sarah continued. “She was already on her way to Germany by the time they got through to us. Mom and Dad flew over. For a few days it was touch and go whether she would make it. After that, they took her to Walter Reed, but Dad made a plea to get her transferred to somewhere closer to home, so now she’s here.”

There was a quiver in Sarah’s voice as she finished, and Shepard quickly reached out to squeeze her arm, even though he could feel his own heart speeding up just listening to her. He knew that journey, had once followed that exact same route to get where Ashley was now. Passed through the same military hospitals, travelled in the same cold belly of a C-17. She could’ve died in Germany, and Shepard would’ve been none the wiser until now.

“Is she awake?”

Sarah shook her head. “She hasn’t been since they put her under to deal with the initial swelling on her brain. She was conscious right after it happened, though. The doctors hope that being around people she knows might trick her into waking up.”

“Have you called Jack?” Shepard asked. The first time he had seen Ashley and Jack together, he had figured out pretty quickly that they weren’t just two people who had gone to the same school when Ashley had happily shared some of his well-kept secrets with Jack, like his affection to certain rom-coms or his aversion to spiders. Thankfully, Canada’s spiders were nothing compared to some of the spiders they had encountered in Afghanistan, but it had been enough to provide Jack with some additional blackmail material she really didn’t need on top of her natural bossiness.

He had tried to quiz her the other day, when she had returned to the diner after her little catch-up with Kaidan, but she hadn’t given away much, clearly regarding whatever they had talked about as private. Then Garrus had mentioned the court-martial rumors, and she had almost bitten his head off.

“Stop gossiping, assholes!” she snapped at them, but the tone in her voice told Shepard that Garrus’ words had caught her off guard. “That guy is a doctor, what could he get into trouble for? Don’t you think he would’ve mentioned something like that to me?”

Shepard swallowed his comment about how something like that, if true, would probably be the last thing Kaidan would want to mention, and asked if she had heard from Ashley instead. She hadn’t, and at that point Garrus jumped in and diverted the conversation back to his new lifeboat, clearly uncomfortable with the can of worms he had opened.

It had been Anderson who had called Shepard late that night and told him about Ashley.

“Jack’s on her way back from Vancouver, she was on the ferry when I called her,” Sarah said now, and Shepard vaguely remembered Jack telling him about a reunion party of some sort she had been invited to.

“What about Kaidan?”

A pained frown flittered over Sarah’s face, and she shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, unable or unwilling to meet his eyes. “He… I… I don’t think he’s quite ready yet. He’s got a lot to deal with right now.”

“Is it true?” The question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. “About his court-martial?”

“Yeah,” Sarah sighed. “He’s got a couple of months until his trial, but yeah.”

Shepard ground his teeth, the uneasiness he had felt a few days ago churning his gut once more. “Has he got anything to do with this?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that he was there. But like I said, they haven’t really told us much, and the Canadian Navy has classified all his records, I reckon to protect him.” For a moment, she seemed as conflicted as Shepard felt, but then she met his eyes and quickly took a step forward to place a hand on his arm. “I know what you’re thinking, believe me, I thought exactly the same when I heard. But Kaidan and Ash, they’ve been friends since elementary school. He would never do anything to hurt her.”

“And yet she’s here.”

The look on Sarah’s face was sad but not angry. “And she’s alive, John. You should go up and see her, room 502 on the top floor.”

He took a deep breath and forced his thoughts away from Kaidan, reminding himself that speculating without knowing any of the facts wasn’t going to help anyone, least of all Ashley. “Are they going to let me in?”

“They know you’re coming,” Sarah said, smiling for the first time. “I need to get going and pick up my son from kindergarten. My parents will be back later this afternoon, and Jack said she’d drop by tonight. You can stay as long as you like, or as long as Miranda lets you.”

They said their goodbyes, and Shepard watched as Sarah armed herself with her umbrella and hurried through the rain towards the car park. Steeling himself for what he was about to find, he eventually headed to the elevator, staring blindly at his feet as the small glass cabin rose through the building.

He didn’t need directions to find his way around the hospital, all too familiar with every twist and turn, with the doctors and the nurses, with the different ambience that distinguished each department from the other. Less than five years old, the hospital was impressive, state-of-the-art and known for its top surgeons and excellent rehabilitation facilities, all built on the back of some old-military-brass-turned-entrepreneur despising the idea of leaving his wealth to his estranged family. Christopher Huerta might have been a strange man, but he certainly did a good deed for people like Ashley and Shepard.

Ashley’s room was only two doors down from the one he had stayed in for almost nine months of his life. He carefully poked his head through the open door and spotted Miranda at the back of the room. Then his eyes landed on Ashley, and he almost took a step back.

Dressed in a light blue hospital gown, she was covered with a blanket, her head partially shaved on one side, various tubes and lines connecting her to the monitoring equipment beside the bed. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was briefly interrupted when Miranda tapped a sequence of buttons on the display before scribbling something onto the sheet on her clipboard. She only noticed Shepard when she turned to adjust the flow on the IV Ashley was hooked up to.

“Shepard.” She waved at him to come closer. “Come on in.”

Shepard couldn’t move, staring at the blanket that covered Ashley’s legs. Or rather at the empty space below her right knee, where the blanket lay flat against the mattress with nothing in between.

“Her leg.” He swallowed hard. Of all the things Sarah had just told him, how could she have forgotten to mention this?

“They didn’t tell you?” Miranda raised a surprised eyebrow at him.

“No,” was all he managed to grind out, hesitantly stepping into the room, shaky legs carrying him to the chair someone had left close to Ashley’s bedside. His hands felt clumsy as he threw his still damp jacket over the back of it. He needed to sit down.

“She’s doing okay, though,” Miranda said, and he finally tore his eyes off Ashley to look at her. “She’s a tough cookie, Shepard.”

“Don’t bullshit me with niceties, I’m not her parents,” Shepard hissed, unable to keep his emotions from boiling over.

“And I’m her doctor, and I’m telling you, given the circumstances, she’s doing okay,” Miranda repeated sternly. She grabbed her clipboard and held it close to her chest, but when she continued, her voice had lost its authoritative edge again. “She’s breathing on her own, and her brain functions are pretty normal since she got here. We only had her in the ICU to make sure she didn’t suffer any repercussions from the transfer, but she came through absolutely fine.”

Shepard sighed and shifted in his seat, gesturing to where Ashley’s hand lay motionless on top of the sheets. “Can I?”

“Yes, of course.”

“It’s warm,” he said, not quite sure what he had expected. Her hand felt small and fragile between his fingers. “She looks like she’s just sleeping.”

A smile appeared on Miranda’s face. “She is. You can tell by how calm she is, she usually is a bit more agitated when she’s awake.”

Shepard huffed and gently ran his thumb over Ashley’s knuckles. Bringing them up to his cheek, he softly rubbed his stubble against her skin. She used to hate when he did that. In her book, a five-o’clock-shadow was fine, but anything longer and she would be after him until he found a shaving kit and a sink.

“You’re a marine,” she used to tell him. “You can grow a beard when you’re old and grey, but until then, go shave.”

“You’ve known her a long time?” Miranda was watching him from the other side of the bed.

“Yeah.” He lowered Ashley’s hand back onto the bed but didn’t let go of it. “We met during OCS at Quantico and then did two back-to-back tours together. Hell of a soldier, kicked a lot of asses straight from the get-go. Probably not really a surprise, considering she’s a Williams.”

“Quite an old military family, I gathered. Why did she join the US Marines, though?”

Shepard kept his eyes trained on Ashley’s face, trying hard not to think of the elephant in the room that was her missing leg. “Her mom is American, and I think, after growing up in the shadow of _the_ General Williams and seeing how that never went away when her sisters joined the Canadian Army, she just wanted to do her own thing.”

“Couldn’t have been easy,” Miranda mused. “As a woman in the Marines.”

“Never stopped her.” Shepard smiled as old memories came flooding back. It was weird. She looked so different, and yet the same. Apart from her leg and the already healing scar on her head, there were no signs of any physical injuries. Her skin was pale, but he could still make out the hint of a tan line where she had to have been wearing her shades, her hair dark as ever. It seemed as if someone had recently made an effort to brush it, probably Sarah, and Shepard smirked at the thought of teasing Ashley about it as soon as she woke up. He could imagine the outrage, the sheer cheek that someone dared to treat her like a doll.

“She was our logistics specialist when we first went out,” he went on. “Wasn’t long before she was leading convoys to the FOBs all the time, she spent more time outside the wire than some the guys we were deployed with. Learned the language and volunteered for the Female Engagement Team. Got rattled quite a few times as well, but never as bad as this.”

“She’s still here, Shepard,” Miranda said, much softer than her usual tone.

“Do you know what happened?”

Miranda tucked her clipboard a little closer to her chest but didn’t answer straight away.

“Come on, Miranda,” he huffed in annoyance. “Tell me. I’ve been there once or twice, too, remember?”

“So you have. But you don’t like it when people talk about it either, do you?”

“This is not about me.”

“Are you sure?” Miranda pinned him with a stare, but he only glared back at her.

He knew he had won when she shook her head, her shoulders slumping forward ever so slightly.

“From what I saw on the medical report, she was caught up in an explosion. It caught her foot and part of her lower leg. They couldn’t salvage it, but the emergency crew who first operated on her did a good job saving the rest of her leg. She must have suffered quite blow to her head, the bleeding on her brain really was the worst of it. Other than that, she only dislocated her shoulder and has a couple of broken ribs.”

“Sarah said she almost didn’t make it.”

“But she did, and she’s still here, Shepard,” Miranda said again, her face serious but not unkind, and Shepard wondered how many more times people would have to remind him before he would actually believe it. “We won’t know if there’s any lasting brain damage until she’s conscious again, but I can tell you, you’ve got more metal in your body than she will ever have. And the prosthetics we have at our disposal nowadays are nothing short of amazing.”

She made her way towards the door, giving him an encouraging smile as she lightly tapped her clipboard against the bedframe as she passed the foot of the bed. “I’ll give you some privacy. It’s good to see you, Shepard. Make sure you say hello to the nurses before you disappear again.”

“They might have to get used to seeing me around more often again,” he murmured, still holding on to Ashley’s hand.

Behind him, Miranda chuckled. “Even better. Still, go by the station before you leave, they’ll be pleased to see you.”

“I will,” he promised, trying for a smile as he threw a quick glance over his shoulder, but Miranda had already stepped out into the corridor.

He sat motionless for a while, even after Miranda’s footsteps had long trailed off and all that was left was the clinical smell of disinfectant and the beeping of the heart monitor. He felt numb, his mind wading through a swamp of old memories and future what-ifs. He wondered what Ashley had been thinking when he had been the one tied to that bed, with more broken bones than one could count and burns so bad half his body still looked like patchwork almost two years later. Was this how she had felt? Helpless and unarmed?

Only Shepard had been conscious. Maybe not always lucid, but still awake enough to annoy the shit out of everyone, so much so that Jack had threatened several times to punch his lights out if he didn’t shut up. Ashley had only laughed and told him to be patient.

“Come on, Ash. Wake up.” Patience really wasn’t his strong suit.


	4. An Unexpected Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finally meets John Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, this took so much longer than I expected. A massive thank you to everyone who stuck around to read this, or even left kudos or comments, I love you all loads, especially because this isn't the easiest of rides. And guess what, they finally meet! :D

“Are you all set?” Kaidan’s grandmother asked over her shoulder. She was rummaging around the kitchen cabinets, stifling a cough every now and again, while Cole lay on his usual spot outside the door, his head and front paws the only parts of him allowed to breach the threshold.

Kaidan frowned at her. “Did you take your meds?” He had heard her coughing throughout the night, and when she had told him in the morning that she had been struggling with a cold on and off for over a month, he had taken it upon himself to get her some antibiotics. They hadn’t revoked his medical license yet, so why not make use of it while he still could.

She waved him off. “It’s just a silly cold.”

“You won’t say that when it turns into full-on pneumonia.”

“Stop fussing,” she said and gently maneuvered him back out of the kitchen and towards the front door, grabbing his coat on the way and pushing it into his hands. “And _you_ need to get going, you don’t want to be late.”

He slipped on his coat, his irritation quickly turning into apprehension. His trip to the pharmacy had served as a convenient distraction, but now that he had less than an hour until his meeting with Anderson, it wasn’t so easy to keep his nerves in check. Anderson had made it clear that it was meant to be nothing more than an informal chat, but Kaidan failed to see how anyone would regard being summoned to Anderson’s office as informal. Especially not after Anderson had just flown half-way around the world to bail his ass out of trouble.

This morning had been the first morning since his return that Kaidan hadn’t spent inside the summerhouse, or at the hardware store to buy a new drill, after the old one had started firing sparks at him. He still had some painting to do, deliberately putting it off when he had realized that he didn’t have a clue what to do with himself once his restauration project was finished. He was used to long days that passed at a hectic pace, driven by a full schedule of surgeries or the urgency and adrenaline that ruled an ER, and short nights when sleep came fast and heavy, leaving no time to think too much before he had to get up once more to do it all again. Only now that the fog around his mind was slowly lifting, he could sense those locked up memories scratching at his consciousness during the day while dreams had started to trickle back into the nights, vague and unrecognizable, but on the rise nonetheless. Time was catching up with him.

“Wish me luck,” he said and grabbed the envelope with his court-martial notice from the sideboard before his mind had a chance to run away from him. When he looked back at his grandmother, he could tell she was trying hard not to cough again. “And take your damn medicine.”

“You’re going to be late.” Despite the strain in her voice she still managed to give him a defiant smile as she reached for the front door, and Kaidan could only shake his head with a chuckle as he was ushered out onto the porch. There was no point in trying to teach a fish to fly. She wasn’t going to change, not with a stubborn head like hers.

He folded the envelope and pushed it into his pocket before climbing into his old Defender, turning the radio to a talk station just to have someone to listen to. He didn’t trust the silence, even less so without Cole by his side. And although it was barely a fifteen-minute drive to get to the Base, things could still go wrong if he lost his cool. He certainly didn’t need a repeat of what had happened the other night. He almost wished the numbness had stuck a little longer as he kept his eyes firmly on the road and his ears tuned to the radio presenters’ endless chatter about ‘the best places to visit when travelling abroad’ and ‘how to behave at your best friend’s wedding’.

Thankfully, the traffic was quiet at this time of the day, and by the time he turned the Defender onto the road that lead up to the main gate, he still had fifteen minutes to spare before his meeting with Anderson. He drove up to the barrier, lowering his window as the security guard stepped out of his hut. He tensed when he recognized the man as one of his father’s old friends.

“If that isn’t Bobby Alenko’s boy. Long time since I’ve seen you around this neck of the woods. How’ve you been?”

“I’m good, thank you. I’m here to see Captain Anderson.” Kaidan forced a smile onto his face while he dug out his ID, wondering how grey he would have to turn before people stopped addressing him like a teenager and what else that explosion had done to his brain, because he couldn’t for the life of him remember the man’s name.

“Tell your dad Thomas Walsh was asking after him,” the man said as he scanned over the ID card before noting down his license plate, and Kaidan thanked whatever deity was out there for small mercies. He was saved from any small talk when another car drove up behind him. Thomas briefly stepped back into his hut to tap something into his computer before popping his head back out through the open door. “You’re all good to go. You know where you’re going?”

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan said, relieved that the man didn’t seemed to take his taciturn as rudeness. The barrier opened up in front of him, and he quickly gave Thomas a short wave of thanks and drove on.

It was weird to be back, still strangely familiar, even though it had been years since Kaidan had last set foot on the Base. There was a new roundabout near the entrance, and the medical center he had spent six months of his residency at was sporting a new façade, while the old brick buildings that housed the fleet school and junior ranks mess still looked as dated and weathered as they had ten years ago. There were faces he recognized, of people who would, without a doubt, recognize him in return, either from his time at the medical center or as ‘Bobby Alenko’s boy’. His dad had been the head of the engineering department up until his retirement two years ago, and a lot of the people he had worked with were still around.

He pulled into the car park of the main office block and noticed the new picnic area that had been set up on the small green at the side of the building. The first warm day in months seemed to have a lured people out into the sunshine, the tables and benches busy with service personnel and civilian workers alike. He switched off the engine and sat there for a moment, mentally preparing himself just in case someone else would recognized him. Anderson had picked the most unfortunate time for their meeting, right when half the Base was out of their offices for lunch.

Eventually, he reached for the door handle and got out of the car, grateful that no one seemed to be interested in his arrival, too engrossed in their conversations or their meals. Half-way across the car park, he was starting to believe he had been spared from any further encounters when someone at one of the tables looked up and promptly did a double take.

The guy stood out, with broad shoulders and a buzzcut. Dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, he was sitting on his own at the end of a table otherwise occupied by a group of uniforms, a small but still noticeable gap between them. He simply stared at Kaidan, piercing blue eyes boring into him, open and unashamed, as if he knew exactly who he was looking at.

Kaidan could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, and he quickly ducked his head and hurried towards the entrance. He couldn’t place the man, even though something told him that he had seen him before, somewhere. Once inside and out of the man’s view, he aimed straight for the reception desk, purposely keeping his eyes fixed on the display of photographs and model ships behind it while a young woman he certainly didn’t know signed him in and gave him directions. He had no idea when it had all started to feel like he was running the gauntlet, as if he was carrying his guilt on a sign around his neck, a public announcement for everyone to see so they could render judgement. It was almost a relief when he got to Anderson’s office, and he knocked on the door and didn’t hesitate when he was called in.

“Ah, Kaidan.” Anderson rose from behind his desk and stepped around it. His room was small but comfortable, dark wooden furniture and an old fireplace making it feel more like the study of an English country house than the base commander’s office.

“Captain,” Kaidan said, closing the door behind him before shaking the hand Anderson offered him, glad that he was finally safe from the prying eyes of the outside world, at least for a while.

“It’s good to see you,” Anderson gestured at the two armchairs in front of the desk. He sat down in one of them, leaning forward onto his elbows, and waited until Kaidan had done the same. “How are you holding up, son?”

With a sigh Kaidan leaned back in his chair. This he had expected. The first time Anderson had asked him how he was holding up, Kaidan had still been sitting inside the detention cell in Iraq, trying to figure out how he had gotten there, and which way was up. Back then, Anderson had done most of the talking, with his commander, with Chakwas, and with the people higher up in the chain of command, who so easily could have kept Kaidan locked up. “I don’t know,” Kaidan said truthfully, as just like back then, he still didn’t know how to answer. He shifted in his seat and pulled the court-martial letter from his pocket. “I brought this, in case you wanted to see it.”

He closed his hands around the armrests of the chair in an attempt to ground himself while Anderson read through the letter. Trying to look at anything but Anderson, he let his eyes wander over the room, from the service awards on the wall to the pen holder on the desk to the picture on the mantel of Anderson standing proudly next to familiar looking marine with piercing blue eyes and a buzz-cut holding up a Medal of Honor.

Kaidan stared at the picture. He had heard more than his fair share about John Shepard, even beyond the incident in Kabul that had earned Shepard his medal. He knew about Shepard’s connection to Anderson, but also that the man hardly ever slept more than four hours a night. He knew that Shepard’s unconventional way of leading his troops had earned him the nickname ‘Loco’, but also that he had a singing voice that could have given Johnny Cash a run for his money. Shepard had been a few years younger when the photograph had been taken, but there was no doubt in Kaidan’s mind that he was looking at the same man he had just seen sitting outside at the table. And Shepard had recognized him, too.

“Kaidan?”

Kaidan quickly straightened up. “My apologies.”

“How is that memory of yours?” Anderson asked. He placed the letter and the envelope onto the desk as if he wasn’t quite finished reading it.

“Still patchy.” Kaidan glared at the piece of paper so he wouldn’t look at the picture on the mantel again. “Bits and pieces are coming back, slowly.”

“Have you spoken to the DND yet?”

“Yes, sir. They said I need to put the request for an assisting officer and a legal counselor through you.”

“You do,” Anderson said. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I would like to put myself forward as your assisting officer.”

Kaidan blinked at him. “You… you still want to help me? After all the trouble I’ve caused?”

“I do.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked, his voice stumbling over the word.

“Because you’re one of our best surgeons. And because everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You’re going through something I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through, and I certainly don’t wish for you to do it all on your own.”

“I ignored Williams’ order and almost got us killed because of it,” Kaidan snapped, saying the words out loud for the first time. He was suddenly hyperaware of his breathing, his heartbeat thumping hard against the back of his throat. “I smashed thousands worth of trauma equipment and assaulted two of my colleagues. You’ve seen the tape. It’s not like I can talk myself out of that.”

“And you’re the one that has to live with the consequences.” Anderson didn’t take his eyes off him but didn’t reprimand him for talking back either. “Things will change, you know that as well as I do. I want to make sure they don’t all change for the worse, and I know an excellent defense lawyer who’d be willing to help us. This isn’t the end, Kaidan.”

“I-I don’t…” Kaidan went on but then thought better of it when Anderson raised a warning eyebrow at him. He was itching to keep going, itching to argue that this might as well be the end. There were other people who needed help much more than he did, but he clearly seemed to have reached the limit of how much backchat Anderson was willing to tolerate.

Anderson regarded him for a moment, as if to gauge what else Kaidan might blurt out at him. When Kaidan kept quiet, he nodded and pushed himself out of his chair to walk back behind his desk. He pulled open one of the drawers and took out what looked like a business card. “I know this isn’t an easy topic, but have you thought about getting help? Find someone you can talk to, someone who can help you deal with all this?” He placed the card next to Kaidan’s letter. “Just because you weren’t the one who got injured in that ambush doesn’t mean you walked away from it unharmed. And just because you feel responsible for what happened doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to some help as well.”

Kaidan reached for the card, more to give him something to do than actually read the name printed underneath the blue logo for a private counselling practice in Victoria. He knew Anderson was right, knew the state he was in was anything but healthy. But it was one thing to know, and quite another to lay himself open to another person, even more so if that other person was trained in extracting unpleasant information and calling out emotional evasions.

“Think about it,” Anderson said. “And think about my offer as well.” He was kept from saying more by a sharp knock on the door. He threw a quick glance at his watch and then called for whoever was outside to enter.

Kaidan looked up in surprise and stood when the door opened. He froze when no other than John Shepard walked into the room.

“Ah, John, come on in,” Anderson said, gesturing for Shepard to come closer before turning towards Kaidan again. “I wanted to introduce you to someone. Kaidan, this is John Shepard. John, this is Kaidan Alenko. I believe you two have a mutual friend.”

A little shell-shocked, Kaidan watched as Shepard strode towards him with a small but confident smile on his face. As if on autopilot, he shook Shepard’s hand, Shepard’s grip firm and reassuring.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, wrapping both hands around Kaidan’s and holding on just a little longer than strictly necessary. “I’ve heard so many things about you.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Kaidan replied, his ingrained politeness making the words tumble from his mouth before he could think up a better response.

“So am I.” There was no trace of resentment in Shepard’s voice as he ignored Anderson, his focus solely on Kaidan. “Ashley couldn’t speak highly enough of you. I’m glad they managed to get her back to Huerta Memorial, Miranda Lawson’s team is one of the best, they’ll have her back on her feet in no time. Have you been to see her yet?”

Kaidan swallowed as his body stiffened. Around him, the room grew silent. The tremor started low, barely noticeable at first, but then it took hold of him, rushing up his spine and into his arms, and he had just enough awareness left to clasp his hands in front of him before the shaking got out of control. He knew at once that Shepard had gone to see Ashley, had made the effort to visit her like Kaidan should’ve done. Kaidan had put her there, and yet he was the one who couldn’t get over his own demons, couldn’t even talk about her without losing it.

Anderson’s hand on his shoulder made him flinch, pulling him out of his head and back into the room.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said. “I didn’t mean to overstep the line. I just feel like I already know you. She never stops talking about you.”

When Kaidan looked at him, he could see Shepard meant it, which made him feel even worse about his own poor countenance. “It’s okay,” he said and somehow managed to smile. He sank back into his chair, suddenly too exhausted to hide what was going on, glad to find that at least his hands had stopped trembling. Shepard either didn’t know what had happened, or if he did, he didn’t seem to hold it against him. “It’s just all still quite raw, to be honest.”

He was surprised at his own admission. Only a few minutes earlier, when Anderson had waved the therapist’s card at him, he had been rendered speechless, and here he was, opening up to Shepard, of all people. There was something about the man that gave him comfort. Shepard had seen more battlefields than most, had lost friends and acquaintances, including an entire squad and almost his own life when the helicopter they were travelling in was brought down by enemy fire. And yet, he was still here. And he probably understood better than anyone what Kaidan was going through. After all, Ashley was Shepard’s friend, too.

Kaidan took a deep breath and made sure he met Shepard’s eyes when he said, “She talked a lot about you, too.”


	5. Hard Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard didn't quite expect to see Kaidan again so soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, yay! :D Thank you if you're still reading, left comments, kudos, bookmarks etc. I know I'm not the quickest with my updates, but they will keep on coming, even if it takes a bit longer, and I really appreciated every little piece of feedback. <3

“God, you’re a lifesaver.” Sarah took the cup of coffee Shepard held out towards her. A smile grew on her face as she closed her eyes and smelled at the steaming liquid. “Real coffee. Where did you get this?”

“The café on the first floor.” Shepard cupped his own mug with both hands and lowered himself onto the empty chair opposite her. “If you promise to return the cups, they let you take them to the rooms. I probably should’ve brought a tray, health and safety and all.”

Sarah smirked. “I won’t tell anyone.” She had set up camp at the small table at the back of Ashley’s room, two stacks of student papers in front of her. Her face fell slightly when she moved the one she had been working on to one side to make room for her cup. “I’m not sure if I was a little overambitious with my questions for this assignment but grading these is painful. And this class is usually a really bright bunch of kids.”

“That bad?” Shepard asked. He couldn’t remember ever seeing Sarah so down about her work. After he had been injured, he had spent his first Christmas with Ashley’s family, mostly sitting on their couch with his crutches nearby because anything else had still been an ordeal. Out of the four sisters, Sarah was the only one who had never joined the military, choosing to become a teacher instead. He remembered how she had lit up when she had first told him about her job, so full of admiration for her students that Shepard had almost envied them. None of his teachers had ever shown that much enthusiasm for anything, apart from possibly his history teacher during eighth grade, who had gone on and on about Napoleon and the French Revolution to anyone who would listen. Not that Shepard had been any good at listening back then. “They also have fresh pie at the café. I could get you some, if that would help?”

Sarah chuckled and shook her head. “No need, coffee will do. But thanks for the offer.”

A quiet sigh made them both look towards Ashley’s bed. Shepard nearly choked on his coffee and quickly set down his cup when he realized that Ashley’s arm was moving, her fingers twitching against the sheets. It was over before he fully registered what had happened, the short hitch in her breath evening out with the steady rhythm of the heart monitor once more.

“What was that?”

“It happens all the time,” Sarah said. “Miranda says it’s a good sign, that she’s reacting to her surroundings. Maybe she just realized you’re here.” She was watching Ashley, a faint smile playing at the corner of her mouth, as if that one simple sign of life from her sister made up for all the grief grading her students’ papers was giving her.

Shepard didn’t know enough about coma patients to know if there was any truth to Sarah’s sentiment, but before he could comment, a movement by the door caught his eye. He drew himself up in his seat. Next to him, Sarah looked up in surprise.

Just outside the door, Kaidan stood frozen to the spot like a deer in the headlights. He paled visibly, one trembling hand reaching for the doorframe to steady himself, his eyes wide and panicked as he stared at Ashley’s legs, and Shepard could feel the hair at the back of his neck stand up as he was starkly reminded of how his own stomach had dropped when he had seen her like this for the first time.

“Kaidan.” Sarah’s voice was barely a whisper.

Kaidan startled. He looked at Sarah before his eyes landed on Shepard. His nostrils flared as he took in a heavy breath, and Shepard didn’t dare to move, afraid he would spook him even more. To no avail, as Kaidan turned and bolted anyway.

Shepard was out of his seat in a heartbeat. Sarah followed close behind, calling after Kaidan. The sound of a commotion echoed along the corridor and something clattered to the ground. By the time Sarah and Shepard reached the door, Kaidan was already disappearing through the emergency exit at the end while Miranda was gathering up pieces of papers from the floor where he must have bumped into her.

“You know that guy?” Miranda hissed through her teeth.

“That’s Kaidan,” Sarah said. “Ashley’s friend.”

Miranda got to her feet. “Kaidan Alenko?”

“You know him?”

“I don’t,” Miranda said, trying to make order of her reports as she clipped them back to her clipboard. “But his name was on the paperwork we received when your sister arrived.”

“He was there that day,” Sarah said. “Anderson told us he was caught up in the same incident.”

“Well, he’s a brave man,” Miranda said, any anger she had carried only a moment earlier apparently forgotten. “He was the first to operate on your sister. He saved her life.”

“Are you sure?” Shepard asked. Who in their right mind would have let someone who had just been caught up in an explosion perform an emergency surgery?

Miranda narrowed her eyes at him. “Why would I make up something like that?”

“Because he’s being court-martialed.”

“I beg your pardon? What for?”

“We don’t know,” Sarah said. “It’s all been classified.”

Miranda glanced between the two of them, and Shepard could tell she was thinking hard about what to do with that newfound information. She hummed to herself, decidedly tapping her finger against her reports. “I just realized I forgot my stethoscope,” she said, already heading back down the corridor. “I’ll just go and grab it and I’ll be back.”

Shepard frowned after her. He waited until she had disappeared through the same door Kaidan had fled through before he spoke again. “She’s going to go after him.”

“What makes you think that?” Sarah asked.

“Have you ever seen her with a stethoscope? I haven’t, but I’ve heard her use that line before, when I was still a patient in here. It’s her standard excuse whenever she wants to talk to someone in private. She might be a brilliant doctor, but the one thing she certainly isn’t is subtle.”

Sarah huffed, probably already having figured out as much over the past few days. She made her way back into the room, but instead of going back to her stacks of papers, she grabbed her chair and moved it closer to the bed. She sat down and rubbed her hands over her face, and Shepard was struck by how similar she and Ashley were in their mannerisms. He had seen Ashley do the same thing countless times when she was tired or frustrated.

“Maybe that’s what he needs,” Sarah said. “Someone to stop him from running away all the time. Someone who isn’t _me_. He seems to take off every time he sees me.”

“This isn’t the first time he’s turned up?” Shepard had followed her back into the room. He sat down at the table and handed her the almost forgotten coffee before reaching for his own.

He hadn’t expected to see Kaidan again so soon, especially not here. He had been skeptical when Anderson had asked him to meet Kaidan, even more so when Anderson had told him he thought it was a good idea for Kaidan to have someone to talk to who knew what it was like to be forced to make a new start. Something had told him that Anderson’s intentions weren’t just about Kaidan, and the implication of that had irked him.

“You want to tell me about his court-martial then before you make me play all nice with him?” Shepard had asked, unable to hide his annoyance.

“That’s not for me to tell you, you know that,” Anderson had said, infuriatingly calmly. “He’s a good man. I’m sure Ashley Williams would tell you the same.”

That had taken the wind out of his sails and ultimately made him agree to the meeting. Anderson was right. Ashley would have been furious with him if she had heard him talk about her friend the way he had just because of a suspicion.

And then he had met Kaidan and that suspicion had somehow faded into the background. Kaidan had disarmed him the moment their eyes had met across the parking lot, had made him ramble on about Ashley the moment he had shaken his hand in Anderson’s office. Going by Kaidan’s reaction at the time, Shepard had assumed he still hadn’t made the trip to Huerta Memorial, but thinking back now, he wasn’t so sure anymore if Kaidan had actually said as much.

“No, it is,” Sarah said, and Shepard felt a little less like an idiot. “I went to see him at his grandmother’s house, the day after Ash came back. He had a full-blown panic attack when he saw me. Took off as soon as he managed to stand on his own feet again, literally.”

Shepard could feel his cheeks heating up as something dawned on him. So much for not being an idiot. The way Kaidan had grown stock still when Shepard had mentioned Ashley. The way Anderson had snapped him out of it. The way Kaidan had constantly wrung his hands after that. Shepard grimaced at his own stupidity. What he had taken for simple awkwardness and discomfort for being put on the spot might have been something else entirely.

Thankfully, Sarah didn’t notice his blunder. She was watching her sister again, absentmindedly running a hand over the sheets on the mattress to smooth out some creases. “What if it was his fault?” she said, her voice distant.

“We don’t know that,” Shepard said, trying to sound confident. Meeting Kaidan in person might have tripped him up, but he had still seen the letter on Anderson’s desk the day before. He had tried hard to do the decent thing and not look at it but had failed miserably when he had spotted the words ‘Court Martial’ written at the top of the page. He hadn’t seen much more, because Kaidan had been quick to scoop it up, hazardously cramming it back into its envelope before pushing it into his pocket. “You said yourself he would never do anything to hurt her.”

He wasn’t sure who he was trying to reassure more, Sarah or himself.

Sarah hummed noncommittally. She downed the last bit of her coffee and placed the empty cup on the nightstand beside the bed. For a moment Shepard considered telling her about his meeting with Kaidan but discarded the idea when he saw her eyes shimmer with tears. Maybe now was not the time, especially since Kaidan still didn’t seem to be able to even talk to her.

“Did you know?” Sarah asked. “I mean, when you were… when you were injured, did you know people were with you?”

He sunk back against his chair. It took him a few seconds to make sense of her question, but then he was glad for the sudden change of subject. After yesterday, he wasn’t quite so sure he could trust his own judgement when it came to Kaidan. “I wasn’t out that long, not like this.”

“Do you think she knows we’re here?”

“I’d like to think so,” he said. On her bed, Ashley looked peaceful, seemingly unaware of all the drama going on around her, and Shepard wished she would move again, just a tiny shift of her head or a wiggle of her finger, anything, just to prove him right. “Maybe she’s just waiting for the storm to pass.” And who would blame her?

Sarah chuckled half-heartedly. “You wanna go and see if Miranda managed to corner him?” Kaidan obviously was still on her mind, too. The tears hadn’t fallen but her eyes were still watery, and Shepard wondered if this was her way of asking him for some privacy.

He wasn’t keen on leaving her on her own, even though he didn’t really know how to comfort her. But Miranda hadn’t returned, and perhaps Kaidan was still around somewhere. “Yeah,” he said and pushed himself off his chair. “I’ll see if I can find them.”

“John.” Sarah stopped him just short of the door. “Thanks for being here.”

“Don’t mention it.” He tried for an encouraging smile and was glad to receive one in return. They were going to get through this.

He took the stairs, on the off-chance Miranda had caught up with Kaidan there. The stairwell was quiet, and he didn’t meet a single person until he pushed through the door at the bottom. The noise level instantly changed as he stepped into the lobby, the sound of chatter and clinking cutlery coming from the café at the other end. People were passing through the space, some leaving more hurried than others, some just arriving to visit a friend or a loved one. There was no sign of Miranda, though, nor Kaidan.

He found them outside. He covered his eyes against the sun and spotted Miranda at the same time she spotted him. She was sitting on a bench at the edge of the small park opposite the hospital, still holding on to her damn clipboard. Kaidan sat next to her with hardly any space between them, his hands tightly clasped in front of him, staring at the ground at his feet. Even under the bright midday sun, he looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept for days.

Behind Shepard, someone cleared their throat, and he quickly stepped aside to let them pass. When he looked back at the park, Miranda was still watching him with an unreadable expression on her face. She said something to Kaidan, who nodded his head but didn’t seem to reply. A small smile appeared on Miranda’s face as she placed her hand on Kaidan’s shoulder and spoke again.

She must have told him that Shepard was there, as Kaidan looked up, searching, until he found him. Their eyes met, and Shepard was taken aback by the vulnerability and openness on Kaidan’s face. He hardly blinked. He held his gaze with a steadiness Shepard hadn’t expected, making no attempt to hide his exhaustion or pain. He didn’t look surprised, and Shepard pushed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the building, oddly relieved about that. The last thing he wanted was for Kaidan to feel uncomfortable, again, and so far, Shepard’s track-record had clearly been rather poor.

Kaidan said something, and Miranda smirked. They exchanged a few more quiet words with each other before Miranda pushed herself up from the bench, squeezing Kaidan’s shoulder, and Shepard was left wondering what it was about Kaidan that made her so affectionate towards him. He didn’t have much time to ponder about it, as Miranda said her goodbye to Kaidan and made her way across the street towards him.

“Is he all right?” Shepard asked, knowing fine well that if he asked her outright what they had talked about, she would have a field day with him.

“As all right as anybody who’s suffering with PTSD can be,” Miranda said, giving Shepard a look that told him she was going to have him for snooping around anyway.

“You didn’t say that to him, did you?” It wouldn’t have surprised him if she actually had.

Miranda laughed. “No, Shepard. I might be direct sometimes, but I still have some empathy, even if you don’t think I do. I offered him a job. That is, if he wants it.”

“You what?”

“Don’t look at me like that. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard his name, and anybody who can do an operation like that under those circumstances – and no, I _did not_ asked him what happened – stop looking at me like that…” she smacked his arm with the back of her hand, “… anybody who can perform like that under pressure is worth having on my team. All I said to him was to give me a call if he’s ever looking for a job.”

“What did he say?”

“Not much, to be honest,” Miranda said. “That he had to go and walk the dog. Clear his head.”

Shepard snorted at the absurdity of that statement but then remembered the dog. He had met a few veterans with service dogs but had never given it much thought beyond the companionship the animals provided. Never having had a pet in his life, he didn’t really think he understood what a dog could do that a human couldn’t. But then again, the only time he had seen Kaidan truly relaxed was when he was with the dog at the beach.

He glanced back towards the park but Kaidan was gone. Looking around, he caught sight him a little further along, walking away from them towards the car park.

“He doesn’t remember operating on Ashley,” Miranda said.

He had heard about shit like that as well, about people surviving car accidents or years of abuse, only for their minds to shut it all out afterwards. As if their brains decided that the memories were too painful to keep. Was that what was happening to Kaidan?

“Why do you care, Shepard?”

“About what?” Shepard turned to find Miranda glaring at him suspiciously.

“About him.” She pointed towards the car park.

“I don’t,” Shepard said, far too quickly.

Miranda raised an eyebrow at him.

“He’s important to Ash,” he went on, trying to get himself out of whatever hole he had just dug himself into. “He should be there for her.”

A sad smile hushed over Miranda’s face. “I have a feeling it’s not quite that simple.” She sighed and nodded her head towards the entrance. “I need to go back in. Are you coming?”

Shepard looked up to where he knew Ashley’s room was located towards the front of the building. Kaidan was long gone and even though Sarah had kind of asked him for some alone time with her sister, he didn’t want to leave again so soon. This whole mess had to be over at some point, and if Kaidan wasn’t able to face it until then, maybe Shepard could do it for him.

“Yeah.” He threw one last glance towards the car park. “Yeah,” he said again and followed Miranda back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a slightly longer gap until the next update as the next couple of chapters are a little tricky and I want to post them together. But then there will be two chapters at once... :D


	6. Second Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finally gets over himself and spends an evening with his friends... and Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, finally a new chapter. Sorry for the long hiatus but life always seems to get really busy over the summer and time to write just disappears. This chapter wasn't easy to write, and my initial plan was to post it together with the next one, but then I kept just editing this one to death and never got to start on the next one, so here it is on its own.

Kaidan knew he was hovering.

“Go and have fun, Kaidan.” Clasping her hands around a bowl of soup, his grandmother shuffled past him into the living room. She placed the bowl on the coffee table and lowered herself onto the couch, reaching for a blanket to wrap herself into. Kaidan was sure she was feeling worse than she let on. Food in front of the TV was practically unheard of when it came to his grandmother.

Cole had followed her, waiting patiently until she patted the cushions next to her. The dog knew better than to join her on the couch but instead circled the spot beside her feet a few times before lying down with a grunt. “I’ve got excellent company here,” his grandmother said and gently stroke Cole’s head. She adjusted her blanket and beckoned Kaidan to come closer.

He did as he was told, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Don’t stay up too late,” he said, and the irony of how much he usually hated it when he was being fussed over like that wasn’t lost on him. But if there was one person who was always on her feet and barely ever complained about anything, it was his grandmother, and seeing her thrown off her game enough to break her own rules made him worry. “I left some painkillers on the counter if you need them.”

“Thanks, love. Now go. Jack, make sure he enjoys himself.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Jack said from where she was waiting near the stairs. Kaidan didn’t need to see her face to know she was smirking.

“Don’t encourage her,” he said but had to laugh when his grandmother shooed him away like an irritating fly. He could understand that she wanted him to have a good time, but egging Jack on when she was already on a mission was a sure recipe for too much alcohol and a monstrous hangover. The last time that had happened, they had woken up in the hammock on Joker’s veranda, hugging an empty bottle of whisky between them. He was too old for that. And regardless of his age, there was just no gracious way of getting out of a hammock, especially not when still half-drunk.

“Just making sure someone looks out for you.” His grandmother winked at him. Perhaps she wasn’t feeling as down as he had thought after all.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” was all he managed to get out before Jack was pulling him towards the front door, singsonging a “Goodnight, Mrs Alenko” over her shoulder. For a moment, Kaidan was seriously worried by her cheeriness, but once they stepped out onto the porch and the door fell shut behind them, the grin on her face turned into something a little more guarded.

“You ready to be social?” she asked softly.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he said. Now that he was actually out of the house, he wasn’t so sure he was. After the last few days, going out had been the last thing on his mind, and when Jack had turned up at his doorstep earlier, asking if he wanted to come out for some food, he had almost said no. Then she had mentioned Joker, and then Shepard, and the urge to decline and send her away again had only intensified. He still wasn’t sure he had made the right decision.

They set off towards town, and Jack slipped her arm through his, whistling a tune that sounded a lot like an old Fatboy Slim song they used to go dancing to. She tugged him closer, playfully bumping her hip against his, and he couldn’t help but smile at her. They used to go clubbing a lot, before their grown-up lives had taken over, an unstoppable trio if Ashley had joined them. He was never much of a drinker, but given a good beat and Jack to go along with his moves, he definitely knew how to have a good time. Ashley used to tease them for going all out and making a show, but with a little liquid encouragement even she could be lured onto the dancefloor. Between the three of them, they never took themselves too seriously, carefree but ambitious, with an unwavering belief that life was there to be conquered. He missed those times. Things had been much less complicated back then.

“I heard you went to Huerta Memorial yesterday,” Jack said as if she knew exactly where her little shimmy had taken his thoughts.

“I did,” he said without breaking his step, trying to hold on to the comfort of the old memories. He glanced out at the bay. The view opened up between the houses, the setting sun basking the horizon in its golden afterglow as the day slowly turned into night, a thin band of clouds in the distance the only blemish on an otherwise spotless sky. “It didn’t go too well.”

“Heard that, too. You want to talk about it?”

He didn’t answer straight away. One thing his latest episode had done was clear his head, to a degree. Once the initial shock of seeing Ashley on that hospital bed had subsided, the medically trained part of his brain had kicked in and reminded him that a lost limb was not a lost life.

“You did a good job,” Doctor Lawson had told him, and even though he had no recollection of operating on Ashley, he believed her. After all, that was his job, and he _was_ good at it. He just hadn’t been good at making decisions outside that remit lately.

“Make sure you look after yourself,” Lawson had also said just before she had left him outside the hospital. She had been concerned enough to come looking for him, and although he had no idea why Shepard had followed them as well, Kaidan thought the man had looked worried, too. Regardless of the guilt Kaidan felt for what had happened to Ashley, these people, who hardly knew him, had gone out of their way to make sure he was okay, and he didn’t want their efforts to be in vain just because he was trapped too far down the hellhole of his own head. He might not have the words to explain himself, but he could at least show them that he was trying.

“Not tonight.” He tightened his arm around Jack’s. “I’d just like to pretend to be normal again for half a second, even if it’s just for tonight.”

“That’s okay,” Jack said. Then she snickered, a mischievous glint in her eye. “Although, I’m sorry to break it to you, but we’ve never been normal, Kaid. And we might have to gag Joker if you don’t want to be grilled.”

Kaidan laughed. “As if that would stop him.” He was grateful that she didn’t push him. Out of all people, her patience was probably the easiest to take for granted, and he made a silent promise not to let her down, whatever the evening had in store for them. He owed her that much.

They stuck to safer topics after that, and he listened with amusement as Jack ranted about her housemate and their inability to clean the bathroom to her sanitary standards. He filled her in on his father’s latest endeavor to convert one of the old barns on the orchard into holiday rentals and his mother’s attempt to keep her husband’s spending spree at bay. It didn’t take them long to reach the promenade, and Kaidan felt he had hardly blinked when they stepped onto the pier and made their way towards the diner. “After you,” he said holding the door. Jack grinned and gave him an almost comical curtsey before leading the way inside.

The diner wasn’t packed but busy enough for no one to really take notice of them. Kaidan kept his head down as he followed Jack past the bar, all too glad to blend in with the crowd.

“There they are,” Jack said, and Kaidan looked up just as someone in one of the corner booths at the back waved to get their attention. He swallowed when he realized it was Shepard but managed to catch himself just as the two people sitting opposite Shepard turned to look over their shoulders. One of them was Joker, who promptly reached for his crutches and heaved himself up to greet them.

In front of Kaidan, Jack slowed and leaned in closer. “Be prepared.”

Trying to ignore the nervous flutter under his ribcage, Kaidan huffed and forced himself to smile. His palms had suddenly gone clammy, and he quickly swiped them on his jeans.

“Hey Doc, what a nice surprise.” Joker grinned, pulling Kaidan into a hug tight enough to make himself wince. He let go again with an embarrassed chuckle. “Man, it’s good to see you, even if it makes my bones ache.”

“Don’t strain yourself.” Kaidan’s smile turned real as some of the tension ebbed away. Joker was all teeth and shiny eyes, as incorrigibly unperturbed and stubbornly optimistic as ever despite his disability. “It’s good to see you, too.”

“You getting emotional there, Moreau?” Jack teased.

Joker snorted. “Just surprised, Naught,” he said, which earned him a playful smack to the back of his head. “Ouch, watch it! You could’ve told us you were bringing him along.” He scooted back into the booth, forcing Garrus to shuffle into the back corner to make room for Jack at the front.

Garrus gave a silent nod when Kaidan met his eye. Kaidan didn’t know him well enough to tell what he was thinking, and Garrus’ neutral expression didn’t give away much. The man had only moved to Citadel after Kaidan had left, and on the few occasions they had met before, they had never exchanged more than a few words.

On the other side of the table, Shepard looked almost a little shy when he gestured at the empty seat next to him. “It’s good to see you again, Kaidan.”

“You too,” Kaidan said as he sat down. The lump that had formed in his throat when Jack had told him Shepard was going to be there made a reappearance, and he ducked his head, hoping no one would notice how much his face was burning. He still felt like a car crash and a half, especially in front of Shepard.

“Well, I’m glad you’ve all met, saves me the awkward small talk,” Jack scoffed before narrowing her eyes and pointing a finger at Kaidan, then at Shepard. “But if you give him any cannon fodder, I swear, Kaid, I will kill your kitten.”

“Guinness died two years ago,” Kaidan shot back, relieved how easy it was to roll with the familiar banter.

“You loved that cat, Jack,” Joker cackled. “He was almost as grumpy as you.”

Shepard laughed, a deep rumble that made Kaidan want to look at him, maybe even shift a little closer. When Shepard’s leg lightly bumped against his own underneath the table, Kaidan didn’t move away. Shepard seemed to have this ability to draw him in, to give him time to breathe when the rest of the world threatened to run away from him, and Kaidan wanted to wrap up in that feeling like his grandmother had wrapped up in her blanket earlier. Ever since their first meeting at the Base, Shepard had lingered on his mind, and it hadn’t taken Kaidan long to realize that he liked the guy, more than he probably should. He didn’t dare to dwell on what that might mean; he still knew now was not the time to harbor a crush, especially not for one of Ashley’s closest friends. But Shepard hadn’t pulled away. Intentional or not, Shepard’s thigh was pressed against his own, the heat radiating through the fabric of his jeans, and Kaidan decided, for this one evening, he would allow himself the believe that maybe Shepard liked him back.

His musing was interrupted when the waitress appeared, and Kaidan quickly reached for the menu. He placed his order and waited until Shepard had done the same before he spoke again, keeping his voice low. “I’m sorry about my behavior yesterday.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Shepard gave him a warm smile. “I think we all understand. I’m sure you’ll get there in the end.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan said, glad that across the table the others were too distracted by Joker changing all the sides on his order and Garrus grumbling at the absence of his usual choice from the new menu to pay much attention to him and Shepard. It took another couple of minutes before the waitress had jotted down everything on her pad.

“How do you know Jack?” Shepard asked once the waitress had left.

“He claims he saved me from some wolf-whistling ninth-graders,” Jack said before Kaidan could answer.

Kaidan rolled his eyes at her. “We went to the same school.” Maybe Jack hadn’t really needed rescuing back then, but how could he have known? She had looked nowhere near as scary back then, with her hair still long, and only a little skull tattoo hidden under the sleeve of her shirt.

“Jack was his first girlfriend,” Joker helpfully added, and both Jack and Kaidan groaned.

For the first time since they had arrived, Garrus laughed while Shepard sat up a little straighter, and Kaidan felt a pang of regret when the pressure against his leg disappeared. He stole a glance at Shepard only to be met with the hint of a frown, but just as quickly as it had appeared it was gone again, and Kaidan was left wondering what was going on in Shepard’s mind.

“Shut up. He was probably the sweetest boyfriend I ever had.”

“Jack,” Kaidan pleaded, not keen on having their short and thunderous relationship recounted in front of everyone. He had been seventeen and besotted with Jack, and he didn’t like being reminded of his teenage infatuation with his best friend.

“Why didn’t you keep him?” Shepard asked, the smile having returned to his face, and even though Kaidan’s cheeks were still hot as hell, he was relieved that whatever had rattled Shepard a moment ago seemed to have been forgotten again.

Jack caught his eye from across the table. “It wouldn’t have worked,” she said, an unusually thoughtful and affectionate tone to her voice, and Kaidan relaxed against the back of his seat. He had no idea why he had even thought she would sell him out. “We were already friends before we hooked up, we didn’t want to risk losing that.”

Shepard smirked and nudged his elbow. “I didn’t know she could be so philosophical.”

Kaidan smiled. Jack would put the worlds to rights if people only let her. “She has her moments.”

“I love you too, Kaidan,” Jack snapped back at him. She didn’t quite manage to hide the twitch at the corner of her mouth, though.

“Uh, I thought you just said you didn’t,” Joker said, which nearly earned him another smack to his head.

“Speaking of girlfriends,” Kaidan cut in, determined to guide the focus away from him and Jack for good this time. “When am I going to meet your new lady, Joker?”

“Oh yes, Edi.” Kaidan hadn’t thought Joker’s face could light up even more than it already had, but there he was, beaming back at him. “You’ll like her. She broke my hand when I first met her.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up. “So you took her on a date?”

“She was upgrading our monitoring system at the station,” Garrus explained, and Kaidan admired how the man could remain so serious while around them the others were cracking up and laughing, obviously already well versed with the story. “She slapped his hand when he tried to interfere, and she only broke _one_ of his fingers.”

“She had the decency to take me to the hospital.” Joker was still grinning from ear to ear. “And then she asked me out on a proper date, and I haven’t broken a bone since.”

After that Kaidan hardly managed to get a word in, and he didn’t really mind. For the first time in weeks, he felt the heaviness ease off, releasing his mind from its oppressive grip and allowing him to enjoy the company of his friends and listen to stories other than the ones running on repeat in his head.

Over food and more drinks, they talked about Garrus’ new lifeboat and Jack’s recent trip to Vancouver, about Shepard’s latest meeting with a guy called Conrad Verner and the number of tours Shepard and Kaidan shared between them. Kaidan discovered that, at some point, they had both been stationed at Bagram at the same time, and for a brief moment, he felt almost disappointed that they hadn’t met back then. It probably wouldn’t have been ideal, given all the shit he had seen during that time, but at least they wouldn’t have had the added complication of Ashley’s injuries hanging over their heads.

He quickly brushed the thought aside and tried to focus on how close to Shepard he still sat, how tempting it was to lean closer every time one of them moved. They were here now, and there seemed to be an unspoken agreement between his friends not to mention Ashley. Kaidan was grateful for that.

As the evening went on, Kaidan could tell he was growing quieter. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t handle his alcohol, but when he realized he couldn’t quite get the stupid smile off his face, no matter how much he tried, he changed his next order to water and contented himself with listening. Maybe it was the drinks, or maybe the exhilaration that came with good company and the comforting familiarity of their endless banter, but whichever it was, it made him both lightheaded and wary all the same.

Underneath the table, Shepard’s leg brushed against his again, and he had to resist the temptation to close his eyes as a wave of goosebumps travelled the whole length of his body. He just about managed to hold in a shiver and decided it was probably time to go.

He waited until there was a lull in the conversation before clearing his throat. “I think I’ll call it a night.” He pulled a few bills from his wallet but froze when Shepard placed his hand over his own. For a moment he thought Shepard was going to ask him to stay, and however much Kaidan wished he would, he didn’t think he could handle it.

But Shepard only smiled as he fished some money from his pocket. “Let me. It was nice to finally meet you properly, so let this be my treat. You can return the favor next time, if you want.”

Kaidan stared, dumbfounded. He didn’t resist when Jack pulled his money from between his fingers and shoved it back into his wallet.

“He says ‘Thank you, Shepard’,” she teased, nudging his shin with her foot while she handed the wallet back to him.

“Uhm, thank you,” Kaidan said, glad that at least his voice was cooperating even if his brain wasn’t. “I appreciate it.” He could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he pushed himself out of the booth and stood. It was definitely time to leave. “I… uh… I better go. My grandmother wasn’t feeling too well, don’t want to leave her on her own for too long.”

“Say hello from me,” Joker piped up while Jack got to her feet to give him a hug.

“I will,” Kaidan promised. There was one last round of ‘good nights’, and ‘don’t do anything I wouldn’t dos’, and one last fleeting glance shared with Shepard, and then Kaidan was finally, finally, on his way.

He sucked in a deep breath as he stepped into the cool night outside. His body was humming with equal measures of embarrassment and elation, a phantom tingle on his skin where Shepard had touched his hand. Shaking his head, he chuckled at himself as he made his way along the pier. It had been a long time since someone had made him feel like that, like he was ten years younger and the world wasn’t so heavy yet. Like there were good times still to come.

The thought brought him back to Ashley again. He missed her, but for once it wasn’t his guilt that hit him but the simple realization that Ashley would have loved an evening like this. Would’ve been by his side walking home right now, probably teasing him about Shepard. A tiny voice in the back of his head still told him that this was not the time to be drawn to someone like Shepard, especially not while his and Ashley’s lives were in such a mess. A mess that Kaidan had caused.

On the other hand, Miranda Lawson had been adamant that Ashley’s condition was improving. And now that he knew what to expect, perhaps he could find the courage to go and see her again, to be there for her like Sarah had asked him to. She could always tell him to get lost if she woke up again. _When_ she woke up again.

A taxi sped past him as he turned off the main road towards home. Fog had rolled in from the bay, the ghostly lights from the street lamps casting just enough light to see the houses’ drives and front porches, while the rest of the town had seemingly vanished into the darkness beyond. Like a buoy on the water, the yellow postbox at the house at the end guided him home as it always did. He pulled up his collar and quickened his step, smiling at the thought of Cole greeting him, a whirlwind of wiggles and kisses, even in the middle of the night. He just hoped he could keep the dog quiet enough to not wake up his grandmother, or even worse, half the neighborhood.

It only struck him that there was still light coming from the kitchen window when he was halfway up the path to the front porch. He frowned and peeked through the window while he dug for his keys, but neither his grandmother nor the dog was anywhere to be seen. Dread crept up his throat and he felt his heartbeat speeding up. He listened for Cole, for the usual clacking of claws on the floorboards, the quiet but excited whines from the other side of the door, but there was nothing. It was too quiet.

His hands shook as he tried to get the key into the lock. It took him a second attempt before he finally pushed the door open. He closed it behind him and held his breath and listened again. The light from the kitchen bled into the hallway, and he could hear the fridge hum through its cooling cycle. A blue glow came from the living room, and when Kaidan stepped through the doorway, the TV’s blue standby screen was bathing everything into an eerie light, the receiver having gone to sleep mode when no one had changed a channel for too long.

Cole’s eyes reflected back at him from where he was lying next to the couch with his head held high, his ears pricked, watching Kaidan suspiciously. On the couch, the motionless figure of his grandmother was still wrapped up in her blanket, her head slightly tipped to one side as if she had fallen asleep, the empty soup bowl sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

“Grandma?” His voice broke. His chest felt too heavy to breathe. Pain he knew wasn’t physical closed around his lungs as he carefully rounded the couch. Cole sat up, his eyes huge and sad and knowing, but his grandmother didn’t move, not even when Kaidan fell to his knees in front of her. A sob escaped his throat as he reached for her face, cupping it in his hands, willing her to startle awake, for her eyes to snap open, for her to bark at him for giving her a heart attack.

“No, no, no!” Kaidan’s vision blurred and he squeezed her cheeks harder, but her skin was cold, ashen and tight over her bones. Too cold. Another sob shook him, and he hiccupped around his tears, begging into the darkness. “Don’t do this to me! Not now, please don’t do this to me!”

Next to him, Cole whimpered, and Kaidan broke with every fiber of his being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm, I'm sorry? It gets better after this, I promise! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://willowdeville.tumblr.com/)


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